Overheard at the bipedal pet park on a spring day in 2035:
“Don’t worry, mine’s friendly.”
“Oh, so’s mine, but she’s a little reactive when she’s on her leash. Here, I’ll unhook her. Ready, girl? Go on, Lassie, run! Get your zoomies out!”
“Ha ha ha, look at them go! It cracks me up how they always head straight for the invisible fence!”
“Ha ha, I know, right? It’s like they’re thinking this time it just won’t be there. You think they’d have learned —*distant yiping* Oooh, yours sure got a jolt!”
“Oh, he’s okay. He does that at least once a week. Big dummy. Marmaduke, c’mere, boy! (whistles) Want some water?” guzzling, slurping All right, that’s enough. I don’t want to have to let you out again in the middle of the night!
“I know what you mean! Mine whines and cries if we keep her in her crate longer than six hours. And it’s not getting any better as she gets older, I’m telling you.”
“I hear that happens. How old is she?”
“We’re not exactly sure. The shelter said somewhere between 40 and 60.”
“Really? She looks great for her age. You must take wonderful care of her. What breed is she?”
“Not certain about that either, but probably an American Liberal mix of some kind.”
“That’s what I thought. American Libs are so sweet; great family pets.”
“As long as you don’t expect them to guard your house or belongings, ha ha ha.”
“Ha ha ha, that’s for sure. But you can trust them around your immature copies. We’ve had to work with Marmaduke on that. He was a little aggressive when we first got him. He’s a mix too, but we think there’s some Conservative Idealogue in there.”
“I hear they can be stubborn! Does he howl a lot?”
“You have no idea! Sometimes it’s hilarious when he starts spouting conspiracy theories, but when we’re trying to work we have to put his silencer on him. He’s really come a long way since we got him, though. He was barely out of puppyhood, only in his 20s, and was he ever rambunctious then! Watch him go after this. (tosses can of Budweiser) Marmaduke, go get it, boy!”
“Whoa! He can really move. Hey, Lassie, knock it off! I see what you’re doing. Stop trying to dig under the fence! Honestly. When we’re home she’s totally affectionate, but out here she acts like she just wants to escape. As if she’d stand a chance out in the Restored Wild.”
“None of them really seem to get that, do they? Marmaduke got out of our yard three times the first year we had him.”
“Oh no. Good thing you got him back before he ran into a wolf or a mountain lion!”
“No kidding. Cost us a fortune to put up a digital perimeter, and then there was the trainer we hired. So much for a no-cost shelter pet, right?”
“Hahaha, SO right. Our last pet was a female too, and we made the mistake of breeding her. Now we know where the term “bitch” comes from, hahaha. First, she whined all day about ‘consent’ and then when the shots we gave her kicked in we could hardly keep her inside. She ended up having twins. What a headache that was!”
“I can imagine. Did you find homes for the babies?”
“We did, but then the mama got so vicious after that we had to have her put down. Made us feel awful.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry.”
“That’s why we opted for an older female this time. She seems pretty interested in your guy, though. See how they’re circling each other? Oh, damn, I told my partner we should’ve had her hormones tested before we brought her home. I’d better call her in. (whistles) C’mere, Lassie! C’mon, girl!”
“Hey, you don’t have to worry about Marmaduke. We had him fixed years ago.”
“Wow, listen to him howl now!”
“Hahaha, he always does that when I talk about him being neutered. Amazing how selective their hearing can be, am I right? Oh — oh, damn, here comes that unit who has the MAGAhound.”
“Oh my servers, that thing is so obnoxious. (whistles) “Lassie, c’mon, time to go home! (lowers voice) Honestly, who’d want a pet like that in their domicile? I’ve heard its owner talk about how it’s a purebred. As if. That beast is a menace, if you ask me. (shouts) C’mon girl, it’s cocktail hour for you if you hurry up!”
“Marmaduke! Here, buddy! (claps arm extensions). We’re heading home too. (lowers voice) I know, right? They’re aggressive, and impossible to train — check how that one’s humping its owner’s leg. Gross.”
“Honestly, it’s not the pet’s fault, it’s the owner’s. (shakes cranial unit)
“Totally. Wonder what they’re compensating for. Small CPU, maybe? Oops, they’re looking this way. (louder) Anyway, nice communicating with you. (lapses into baby talk) And you too, Lassie, what a good girl! Can I give her a treat?” (sounds of panting and chewing)
“Hahaha, calm down, Lassie! I swear she’ll do anything for a mocha truffle. Whoa, that’s enough, girl, put your top back down. Poor Marmaduke! (sound of leash attaching to collar) Okay, see you around!”
“Yep, catch you later(lowers voice) Here’s hoping MAGAhound over there runs off into the Restored Wild right smack into a bear.”
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